Just about ten years

I haven’t written in awhile.  I continue to stumble forward through the fog and new storms looking for Bill’s light at the end of the tunnel.  He always said he could do just about anything as long as he could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have heard for years that it is common for a surviving spouse to go through a health crisis not long after the death of their loved one.  Although thankfully not a health crisis, I finally broke my ten year wellness record a few weeks ago.  I caught a virus that landed me in bed with a high fever for almost a week.  I don’t think I have ever taken so much Tylenol and on a regular schedule in my entire life!  After three weeks I believe I have gotten my normal voice back, but when I get tired I still tend to loose an octave again. I still get tired very easily. During this time of illness, I was engulfed with the profound loneliness this new life brings.  My daughter was kind enough to look after me and make sure I had what I needed during the day while she worked and was such a blessing to me. She called during her lunch break each day to make sure I was alright and see if I needed anything. She spent more time at home in the evening which was also encouraging. I found myself thinking of those people who are alone with no family or anyone to help them and the feelings of being so alone. It also made me miss my dear husband all the more; missing his tender eyes checking in on me; caring for me.  I will never have that again.  Recent steps forward and settling into this new life were met with a step back to the beginning grief that I thought I had graduated from.

Over these last few years sleep for my husband was difficult.  More specifically, he explained that it wasn’t the difficulty of going to sleep but the dread of waking up that made him avoid going to sleep.  As he slept his breathing would become very shallow as he relaxed and his chest muscles would become stiff.  When he woke up in the morning he would become very short of breath when he started to move around.  He developed his own anti panic routine that helped him survive. To calm himself to be able to go to sleep and take his mind off of his breathing he would run his fingers through my hair until he fell asleep.  This routine became my nighttime sedative too.  It is amazing to think that such a simple sweet moment can take away the distresses of the day.  The Lord blessed us in a special way in this.  I had to have sleep and be well rested to be able to deal with my daily responsibilities in caring for my husband.  I would however wake up in the night to check on him. But falling asleep was made easy.

Now, I often find myself in stressful situations; so many changes all at once.  Along with that I have also caught myself running my hand through my hair.  I have concluded I have been trying to find his comfort in some small way and be reassured things will be ok. It does not work.

I have been encouraged and strengthened more, recently in studying God’s Word.  His comfort is for eternity. We need not fear. Christ has gone ahead of us – he has been there - we can rest in His care.

⁴⁵ Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida,while he dismissed the crowd. ⁴⁶ After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray.

⁴⁷ Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. ⁴⁸ He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, ⁵⁰ because they all saw him and were terrified.

Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ⁵¹ Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, ⁵² for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.