Surviving

I met a fellow widow last week.  She is such a special soul.  We talked for just a few minutes but I felt as though I had known her for years.  Her sweet ministering spirit touched my heart. Her husband died five years ago after a very long illness.  She described some of her own experience of “that first year” and I was impressed how her feelings moving through this grief process were so similar to mine.  She described grief was like standing at the edge of the ocean. The waves roll in and roll out.  Other times they come crashing in unexpectedly.  Then other times the ocean is still and smooth. 

She mentioned that she had read many books on grief.  One thing that stood out to her was that when a couple has been very close in life that the grieving process is often prolonged and more difficult for the surviving spouse.

I find it interesting how different people deal with these adjustments in their new life.  Some people have to stay busy; some people have to have solitude and need to find perspective and understanding; some people move into their new life more easily, ready to face a new adventure while others stumble along trying to find their way; some don’t survive.  Whatever the pace, rocky or smooth, I am resolved that no matter what, the Lord is there in the midst of it all.  He is working to conform me to more of His likeness so that I may become who He wants me to be according to His Will.  Throughout all that my husband and I went through we often wondered how anyone could go through it without the Lord; there is no hope without the Lord.  Our hope is in the Lord and we could not have survived as we did without him.

I have struggled recently in my walk with the Lord; so many changes, stresses, responsibilities and decisions to deal with.  I have to discipline myself to listen to the Holy Spirits leading and guidance.  As I mentioned in my previous post I was so blessed by the lesson in Mark 6, when Jesus walked on the water.  There was so much more there that blessed me that I left out and poorly described.  I was reminded that as the disciples were rowing against the wind; they were straining and struggling to reach their goal. When Jesus came by they were frightened, they could not see who it was.  In the midst of their struggle, Jesus was there.  He saw their struggle; they could not see Him in the darkness, but He was there.  He came to them; He commanded them “Do not fear, it is I”.  He brought calm to their hearts and took away their fear.  In that simple statement, Christ reassured them that because he was there, He would protect them; the wind stopped; He made their path straight. He knew what lay ahead of them because He was already there. 

In the many years that my husband was so very ill, there seemed to be one complication or disaster after another and we just could not get a break; but the Lord was there. He was in the midst of all we were going through. We gave all our cares to the Lord.  He gave us the Grace, Strength and Mercy to get through it.  Our eyes were fixed on Christ and His promises to never leave us or forsake us.  We moved forward seeking and submitting ourselves to His Sovereign Will. We knew He would take care of us and lead us through the fire/trials far better than we could ourselves. Yes, we were frustrated at times and grew very tired and even weary, but we trusted the Lord to carry us through.

He commands me now to not be afraid and trust in His Will for my life. His Word has not changed; His Will has not changed, His purpose has not changed.  It seems that at every turn there is yet another “situation”, another problem, another “adjustment” I have to face in this “first year”.  It all feels so much more difficult now.  I am reminded that in our trials, living through my husband’s illness we drew enormous strength from one another.  As long as He could see that light at the end of the tunnel I knew we were still ok. As long as I kept our daily life on an even keel and my responses to our situation did not set off alarms, he knew were ok.

Scripture tells us that when a man and woman marry the two become one flesh.  There is a wonderful and beautiful promise in this.  God gives us a special gift in that Holy relationship.  He designed marriage, ordained it and blessed it.  In that special relationship we grow together and draw tremendous strength from that gift in serving the Lord together as one.  In some ways having two sinners living and building one life together can be more difficult because of our individual selfishness.   With the exception of a personal relationship with Christ, when we are serving one another in love and obedience to God’s Will for our lives, the marriage relationship is the strongest of all relationships.  We always have a dedicated faithful “fan” in our corner; a partner in all our schemes and a temper/voice of reason for all of our really bad ideas.

In death we were torn apart. In a single moment that bond was broken. In that single moment my dear husband was freed from the bondage of his broken sick body and whisked into the arms of our waiting Savior Jesus Christ in Glory. He heard those priceless words “Well done my faithful servant”.  In that moment his great suffering ended.

As a surviving spouse, I have lost half (or more) of who I had become.  So much of who I am is because of my husband.  With him by my side and the Lord inside, I could face anything. That dependant relationship must now be reworked.  For the widow, the Lord has promised to be her husband.  It requires me to be completely dependent on Him and His will for my life.  The life I had has been stripped away. Layers of my life continue to be peeled away which will ultimately bring me to where the Lord wants me to be. Although I believe this process is something beautiful, it is also painful; testing what is left of me bringing me through the refining fire. He continues to say “Do not fear, it is I”.  He is in the midst of this with me, he has gone ahead of me and knows the path He has laid out for me. I must draw my full strength from Him alone.

Did I mention that I don’t trust easily?