Whew!

I am sad to say I am so glad the Christmas holiday season is past.  It was all so much more difficult than I could have imagined.  Having Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and the Anniversary of our first date in such a short time made me question if I could survive much more.  The depth of the sadness seemed to worsen nearly everyday.  I have always loved Christmas and the joy of celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus.

Over this last week I feel The Lord has given me a small reprieve.  I am cautious in my confidence that in spite of the endless cloudy days things are improving.  Right now, one day is the same as the last as I adjust to my new circumstances and life. I am hopeful that as I adjust I will also gain the energy to live beyond my work hours.

There is an emptiness as I go to sleep each night which makes my days feel monotonous; a feeling of “so this is the rest of my life”.  “It seems I was just here a few hours ago”.  It is terribly difficult to describe.  The silence, darkness…I used to go to sleep with the sound of an oxygen concentrator cycling along with the sound of my husband breathing.  I would wake up several times each night to check on my husband and make sure he was alright.  I still do.  I find comfort in the Lord as I pray and read His Word.

I had mentioned previously about how going to the grocery store was a nearly impossible task.  All I could see was everything my husband would like or need.  I have actually avoided going to the grocery store without a specific purpose. When I do go I quickly gather those items and leave.  This week I have been able to go to the grocery store, walk the isles and look at the different products and evaluate my likes, dislikes and needs without seeing everything that my husband would have enjoyed. I also started thinking about meals I could cook.  I consider this as a good first within the sadness.

An online friend of many years lost her husband about two and a half years ago.  She mentioned in her writings about being encouraged to “lean” into life.  I have been thinking about that a great deal and about how I could “lean” into life.  I have made small attempts to do so but find myself easily overwhelmed.  So for now I must continue taking small steps as the Lord leads and gives me the strength to do.

I have several months ahead with no major holidays or anniversaries.  I am hopeful I will expereince a time of respite and more opportunity to settle in to this new life and see a brighter future.