Dismantling

I haven't written anything new in quite awhile. I just haven't had anything new to say. Not a great deal has changed with the passing of time. I continue to learn to adjust to this new life, figuring out what I am supposed to be doing with my life now; riding the same roller coaster and waves associated with walking through grief. Writing about the same things over again doesn't seem to serve any good purpose.  Who wants to read that!  I have been encouraged in the past several months that the dense fog that has engulfed me since Bill died seems to be lifting.  I am so very thankful for this small progress.  Yes, it has been two and a half years since my sweet husband went home to be with the Lord.  To anyone who has never experienced the loss of a spouse or close loved one, that length of time would seem like quite a bit of time.  I would have thought the same thing until it happened to me.  Now two and half years is on some days, yesterday.

The past two weeks have plagued me as though Bill's passing was yesterday.  In some ways it feels worse. Deeper sadness and tearful emotions have taken hold of the depths of my being.  I haven't been able to pinpoint any event or circumstances behind this resurgence of grief which makes is all the more confusing.  I have tried to just roll with it as I have all along trusting it will give way to a new phase of normalcy.  However, it just doesn't seem to want to let go of me.

I don't know if this is as true for a husband as it is for a wife when her husband dies.  So many things have to be done.  It isn't just cleaning out the spouses closet and personal things, it is a literal dismantling of a persons life.  Bill and I did this after he Aunt and Uncle died.  They never had children, so Bill was their nearest living relative.  Bill and I dismantled an entire household in a weeks time together.  Bill's health was declining significantly at that time which made everything more difficult, but we plowed through.  As we went through everything sorting and packing, I felt the sadness associated with the dismantling of a life.  It caused me to reflect on the brevity of life, all that we accumulate and hold on to through our lives.  We became the caretakers of all of the old family pictures they had (suitcases stuffed full); wedding albums too - their life history.  Now that Bill is gone, I am the caretaker of history.

After two and a half years I am dismantling and sorting.  Not only Bill's Aunt and Uncles things but also  his parents and grandparents; now our life too.  I don't care much for change, but life changes everyday in some way small or large; I must change too.  I must dismantle and change.  I have no choice.  This is one part I forgot to ask Bill about.  The cookie jar that once graced his mother's kitchen counter; her first set of dishes;  his Aunt's collection of cookie recipes; She baked 100 different cookies each Christmas to give as gifts. Her favorite recipes are marked with a star. Heavy pottery mixing bowls his grandmother used in her kitchen.  How did she lift those things! The Big Ben wind up clock that sat by their bed; the old radio that sat on the bar in the "rumpus" room; Bill's skate board....My heart aches; I miss them all so deeply. The memories flood my mind as I clean dismantle and rearrange.  My heart is warmed with each piece I touch.  Life goes on when we are no more.  It doesn't stop for those who remain giving them time to catch up.  It just goes on.

The dismantling of a husbands life I believe is more difficult and complicated than a woman's. So many more things have to change.  This is speaking from the perspective of my generation. The affect seems more severe, far reaching and life altering.

Oh Lord, calm and settle my heart as I continue to clean, dismantle, remember and change.  Not only am I dismantling my husbands life, I am dismantling my own because we were one together in you.  You alone have numbered our days.  Just as You made all things, you have ordained our days to bring honor and glory to Your Holy Name.  You ordained this time and place in my life and I surrender all I am to Your Will.  I can never be whole again as I was, but I am whole in You because of Your promises to me. You, Your Word, Your Strength sustain me. I pray that You will extend an extra measure of Grace and Mercy to me, Your servant. Count my tears and keep them as you promised and remember me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.