A Mother's Day Story

Today is Mother’s Day; the second Mother’s Day without my sweet husband to share it with.

Before Bill and I got married we knew we would likely not be able to have children of our own due to Bill having Cystic Fibrosis.  I encouraged Bill (and myself) that we would be able to adopt!  I never completely accepted this and always hoped it would not apply to us.  I had made the decision though, that I would accept the real possibility of never being a “mom” because it was more important to spend my life with Bill for whatever time we had to be together.

After we had been married for three years we started discussing the possibility of adopting a child and growing our family.  We applied through the State adoption agency and were told that before they would accept an application from us we would have to provide them with Bill’s entire medical record.  We happily complied with all they asked. Every couple of months or so we would call to get an update on their progress only to be dismissed.  After six months we were summoned by a social worker to meet at a local YWCA lobby discuss the results of their evaluation.  The social worker informed us that they would not accept an application from us for adoption because they had so many normal healthy families applying for adoption that they could be as choosy as they wanted to be.  They had no need for people like us where one potential parent isn’t expected to live a normal life expectancy.  We just didn't measure up. Obviously we were broken hearted, but we trusted the Lord to work out His Will for us.  Some time later we received a copy of the information the agency had obtained.  They had contacted a local physician who had treated Bill a couple of times asking him to complete a questionnaire.  The last question stated as follows:  “Do you believe this individual will live long enough to see a child into adulthood?”  His response:  “Not likely”.  The agency made their decision not to allow us to apply to adopt on this one question and one answer.

Later we had been told there was a local attorney who handled private adoptions.  After finishing his paperwork requirements and submitting our Christian testimonies we were personally interviewed.  Then we were told to wait to be notified if we had been approved.  After several months we had not heard anything so I started calling asking for the status of our application process.  Months and months went by and we were told someone would contact us.  Eventually we were told we did not fit their criteria for adoption without any further explanation and that was it.

A year later Bill took a job offer in another State.  After we got settled into our home and new jobs we again began the search for an opportunity to adopt a child.  I worked in a hospital and had become friends with one of the hospital social workers.  Every couple of months a child would be born at the hospital that was going to be placed into adoptive care.  After discussing this pattern with the social worker hoping that there might be the possibility of adopting a child through the hospital, she advised me to contact a new adoption agency in the area along with other specific agencies to contact.  After months of making phone calls and writing letters we were finally invited to attend an information meeting with the new adoption agency.  Because of our last experience, we were determined not to put ourselves in such a painful position again that would drag on for months and months ending in rejection.  At the end of the meeting, we walked up to the table where the agency social worker was sitting and introduced ourselves; then explained our situation with Bill having CF and our rejection by the previous agency upfront.  The social worker was very quiet and looked stunned by our story.  Then she very thoughtfully said to us that first, she appreciated our honesty. Secondly she was astounded that an agency would refuse to accept an application from someone based on potential life expectancy when she could leave the meeting that very day, go out and cross the street and get hit by a truck and die leaving her children without a mother.  Additionally, she said “who am I to say you are not good enough to be a parent because you might not live long enough to raise the child into an adult.”  Both Bill and I nearly melted into tears.  She said they would be happy to accept an application for adoption from us and allow us to go through the evaluation process.  Their decision would be based on our meeting the qualifictions they had in place, not if we might live long enough. She then presented us with the information and application packet and advised us to get our paperwork completed and returned as soon as possible.

After completing all of our paperwork and getting it submitted our evaluation process began.  We went through hours of personal interviews, one together followed by individual interviews.  We also had a home evaluation.  We were questioned about our family histories and whether or not our families would accept our adopted child.  We were questioned about our faith and our what our goals for our child would be.  About half way through our adoption process the social worker called to discuss a situation that had come up.  She told us that the owner of the adoption agency had become seriously ill and was not expected to recover completely to be able to work again.  He and his wife had made the decision that if a child was born under their care that could not be placed into an adoptive home that they would raise the child as their own.  This commitment was no longer possible for them to honor.  We were told that the agency was going to close.  We were given the option of continuing and completing our evaluation process and if approved and they had a child become available for adoption at that time, we would be considered. Or we could stop the process and they would help us transfer our information to another agency and begin the process over again.  After prayerful consideration we decided to finish what we had started and had faith the Lord would lead and provide.

Over the next several months we completed the evaluation process and were approved to adopt.  The social worker contacted us each month to see how we were doing and update us on the condition of the owner of the agency and the status of the agency closing.  One time the social worker told us that we could start putting together a nursery in the next six months or so. As summer approached the social worker asked us if we were planning to go out of town any time soon.  If we were going to be out of town she wanted us to let her know when we were going, where we were going to be and how to get in touch with us.  On Father’s Day the phone rang.  The person on the phone asked for Mr. Detmer.  I almost hung up the phone because I thought it was a telephone sales call.  Just to be funny and make Bill have to listen to a sales pitch I called Bill to the phone.  As I handed the phone to Bill, he was ready to hang it up because he knew what I was up to, but he decided to take the call.  It was a good thing he did; it was our social worker.  She said: Mr. Detmer, this is your social worker and I was asked by the birth mother to call and wish you a Happy Father’s Day!  Three days later we met our son –

Although this is more of a Father’s Day story, it is also my Mother’s Day story and an answer to prayer. That day I became a mother.  We were able to adopt a second time - a daughter.  Her story will come another day.