Unexpected happenings…setbacks…new visitations of grief

I visit my husband’s gravesite more than I thought I would and I put fresh flowers there on our “special” occasions during this first year.  He isn’t there; he is in heaven with the Lord Jesus Christ, so my flowers don’t mean anything to him but they are just for me and my grieving soul.

The other day I stopped by his gravesite for a few minutes and discovered that the artificial flowers had been removed and the vase removed.  My unexpected response was that the sight literally took my breath away; it still does. I was stunned.  Why would anyone do such a hurtful thing?  It is not uncommon to find flowers strewn around shredded and damaged by lawn care workers or following strong winds and I assumed this had happened to my flowers; but the flowers had been removed and tossed next to the next grave and I found that the vase had not been removed but turned upside down into the grave marker.  This was not just a careless random act; it was purposeful.  I was thankful the flowers were there (although damaged) and that the vase was also there.  At least I could put everything back in place. The cemetery office was closed so I couldn’t talk to anyone at the office that day.  I was able to go there when they were open report the problem.  I appreciated their kind, thoughtful response.

Now that the “first year” has past, I find myself having more paperwork and details to complete.  As I have been working on these “final” things, I have unexpectedly found myself exhausted and deeply saddened; the same feelings I had in the early days after his death.  The sense of being so very alone has returned.  I am reminded that these are things he would easily take care of and understand all that needed to be done.  I on the other hand struggle, hoping and praying I am doing everything correctly and fearing what will happen if I make a mistake. I have gone from one government department to another, standing in line only to be told I need to go to another department first and then bring more completed paperwork back and of course pay more money.  After three hours of going here and there I am still not finished.  One more trip and it will be finished.  I feel as though I am wiping my husband from my life; removing him from my past and future.  This feeling is very nearly as awful as his death; if not more.  I am systematically removing him from every part of everything we shared together. I know this is part of life.  This is how we must go on and move on with life.  The dismantling of a person’s life is so very sad and painful.  Bill and I did this together when a couple of his family members died.  It was sad then too.  At least we could do it together.

Tomorrow will be better.  The sadness of this last week will gradually fade and it will be better once again.  I met a 90 year old gentleman the other day.  His wife died three months ago.  The pain and sadness of his loss surrounds his fragile soul. They had been married over 60 years.  We talked for awhile and I was able to encourage him to hold on to God’s promises to take care of him and give him the strength to live on.  In the end he said this:  “One word continues to come to mind everyday; ‘gone’”…..he is right…The finality of death is so painful and isolating; but we have hope in the promises of God that we will see our loved one again when we join them in heaven.