I have always loved celebrating Christmas. Although we don’t know the exact date Our
Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ was born, I appreciate the opportunity to remember
and celebrate His birth with our family and friends.
One of our family traditions is setting up and decorating
our Christmas Trees together. Over the
years the kids have moved out and have their own lives, so Bill and I continued
to share this tradition together. The day after Thanksgiving we began our
decorating adventures. We used to spend hours setting up the trees, checking
the lights and unpacking all the ornaments.
The family was always frustrated with me because I wrapped each ornament
individually or in its original packaging so they wouldn’t get broken.
This year it is just me; Bill is gone, why decorate? I can’t pretend everything is still the same
as it was, because everything is different.
Every part of everything in my life is changed forever and can never be
the same as it was again. Does that mean
I have to give up EVERYTHING we enjoyed together? No part of my adult life has been without
Bill, so how do I make this particular first
work. I decided to go ahead and
decorate our trees and try to find some pleasure in this time of remembering.
I started out a week ago with our family room tree. Although sad decorating it alone, I got
through it. It doesn’t look like it does
when Bill and I did it together. But I
did it! Last night I finally decided to
set up and decorate the living room tree. The warmth that fills our home at Christmas
time has not cooperated this year; the warm sense of the Lord’s presence and
the sense of family is just emptiness. Maybe when I come out of the fog. I wasn’t however prepared for my experience
last night. Of course there is more to
the story.
We have had two Christmas trees for many years. We started this tradition when our children
were young. We lived in a split level
home which made it easy to have two trees.
We had our traditional family tree in the living room, decorated with
our family ornaments saved through the years.
Our second tree was just for the kids.
It was a much smaller tree than our upstairs tree. Each year the kids
would decide how it would be decorated. We
would decide on our plan and them make all the ornaments and paint them if
needed. One year we made macaroni angels
and covered the whole tree with them.
Another year we painted wooden teddy bears. Another year we painted wooden Santa boots. During these years we would drive into the
mountains to a Christmas tree farm and cut down our upstairs tree. Then we found a neighborhood gentleman who
grew small Christmas trees in his back yard.
We all looked forward to our tree adventure each year. It was a wonderful family tradition.
After our children were grown we moved to a new home. We still had our formal living room and
family room and wanted to continue having the two trees. Since the kids were not around to decorate
the kids tree any more we decided to do something different. Bill was no longer able to make the trip to
the mountains and cut down a tree so we bought two artificial trees. We bought a large tree for the living room
and a small tree for the family room.
We continue to decorate the living room tree with all the
family ornaments and decorations. For
the family room tree however we did something special. My sister had crocheted clothespin angels for
us many years ago; one angel for each member of our family using a different
color thread. I thought it would be fun
to have a whole tree of her clothespin crocheted angels in white. The only problem with this was that I don’t
crochet very well. So, I asked my sister
if she would be willing to crochet a bunch of the angels for our family room
tree. She had taught her daughters to
crochet, so the three of them spent a couple of weeks crocheting my white
clothespin angels. They made 75
clothespin angels and a separate crocheted angel topper. Some of the angels are trimmed with gold
thread. Each angel is a different
pattern. After ten years we still have
our angel tree.
Last evening I determined to set up and decorate our living
room tree. I wanted to have some sense
of “normal”. Impossible, but I had to
try.
I hauled the tree downstairs piece by piece. In spite of its weight I was able to get it
set up on my own. A couple of strands of
lights didn’t work on this pre lit tree.
After some work I was able to get most of them working and decided to
turn the tree to hide the lights that I couldn’t fix. (Normally, I would never
do this. I would have added a new
strand). After a little break I returned
to begin the decorating. First, I had to
get the angel on top of the tree. I
tried to use our three step step stool. At 5 ft tall, this was definitely not
going to work. I hauled in our 8 ft. ladder and was able to easily reach the
top and place our angel on top. Her
lighted bouquet is dim this year. I left
it that way since this Christmas is a little on the dim side. (Normally, I would have replaced the bulb
since it lights up her beautiful face each time her had moves forward). The
next step is wrapping the tree with a small blossomed white poinsettia
garland. Bill used to put this garland
on the tree as I guided until it was just right. This year I used the 8 ft ladder and worked
my way around the tree with each piece.
It doesn’t look the same. Nothing
I did made it look right, so I moved on.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I experienced next.
(ok, maybe a few minutes of thinking ahead might have helped).
I opened the first tote of Christmas ornaments. The flood gates were opened. My entire married life was staring back at me
from those neatly packed shoes boxes.
Every event, Sunday school ornament, and trip was there. I didn’t know if I could continue. I had not thought about what was in those
boxes before I opened them. I had set my
mind to the task and got started. Now I
was paralyzed. I couldn’t see through
the tears, but I had to do it. I had to
take a step and turn the pain into something different; not just for me but for
our family. (ok, turns out it is
probably just for me). I want to share
these special memories with our precious grandchildren so they can remember
their PaPa. I can tell them the stories
of where each of the ornaments came from; a different part of our lives. I can also teach them about the Lord and His
Love for us. To help fill the void I turned on some Christmas music in the
family room and turned it up loud enough to fill the whole house. From the hand
made woolly wrapped Sunday school lambs, styrofoam school puppy dogs heads, and
nativity scenes to Barbie from my childhood and the Corvette for Bill’s 50th
birthday, I hung them all on the tree.
Each year after decorating the tree, Bill and I would turn
off all the lights in the room and sit on the sofa and enjoy the quiet beauty
filling the room from the lights on the tree.
The shiny, glittering ornaments sparkled as the lights bounced through
the limbs. No words were needed. This year, I turned the lights off in the
room and sat on the sofa alone. One
thought after another raced through my head remembering the many Christmas’ we
shared together.
Christmas can never be the same. I don’t expect it can ever be better than it
ever was. It can however be good and
special in a new way. Our family will be together and will rest in the Lord's care as we take time to remember and reflect.
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